Dear Ms. Vicki,
I hope you will have time to give me some advice. I met the man of my dreams, a Marine stationed at Camp Lejeune. We have been dating for a little over a year.
When I met him, he was married and he was in the process of a divorce. At first, I didn't want to touch this relationship because I figured he was just saying he was divorcing his wife when he wasn't, but he showed me his divorce papers that proved that he had already been to court a couple of times.
Well, he did divorce his wife a year ago, but now I find out that even though he divorced her, he never stopped sleeping with her. Both she and I are pregnant with his child, and we're both expecting babies in December.
Ms. Vicki, how could he lie and lead me on like this? He hasn't even offered to marry me or take care of me and our child! He won't go to the doctor's appointments with me or anything, but his wife keeps posting things on Facebook like, "I'm trying to get my family back together again," and other messages to let me know they are still involved.
To my face, she once said that a divorce doesn't mean anything to her because my boyfriend will always love her first and foremost. She told me to "get ready to be an afterthought."
Do you think she means they are still together and still getting it on? If so, what was the divorce about? Why did they divorce at all? This is so confusing.
-- Don't Know What to Do in North Carolina
Dear North Carolina,
This is a mess! Out of all of the Marines at Camp Lejeune, you wound up with a dud who is still involved with his ex-wife!
By the way, his ex-wife sounds like a real card, too. Sounds like his ex knows how to pull your boyfriend's strings to get exactly what she wants from him, and he takes the bait -- hook, line and sinker.
Truth is, there's a reason he hasn't married you and he hasn't made you any promises, either. He knows he's not done with her yet. Honestly, I don't think he will ever marry you. He'll be back with his ex-wife and he'll probably remarry her. I've seen this situation hundreds of times before.
You need to get ready to be a single mother, and to be a great one. Hopefully, he will be in his child's life and will support the child financially, but you should also get ready for him to deny paternity. Furthermore, he may not offer you any support during your pregnancy, and there won't be anything you can do about it.
I receive a lot of letters from girlfriends of service members who want to know what rights they have. Here's the bitter truth: Girlfriends don't have any rights to anything. Even worse, some men want to keep you as a girlfriend and nothing more because they don't want to have any obligations. I hope you are working now and trying to build a future for you and your child.
My last tip: Try to keep tabs on your boyfriend so you can push for a paternity test. If he moves to another duty station, you could lose all contact with him. Many women have a very difficult time proving paternity and getting child support from military ex-boyfriends when they lose track of where the guy is stationed.
Avoid that extra burden and keep in contact with him during your pregnancy. Be sure to take a paternity test as soon as possible and go after child support immediately.
Take care of you and your child. Keep in touch when you can.
-- Ms. Vicki
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