The conversation started off innocently enough: a sharing of differing viewpoints, punctuated by personal experience, anecdotes and research. But it eventually dissolves into yelling and fist pounding. Before you know it, you’re embroiled in an argument at work and fear for your reputation and your job.
You might be in the right, but either way, you might have let your emotions get the better of you. At this point you need to step out. But how can you back out of the argument without appearing contrite, feeble or submissive?
How Did You Get Here?
Often, we don’t realize we’re deep into an argument until we hear our own self yelling. We see our arms flailing around and our feet stomping us around the room. In those moments, extracting yourself professionally and confidently is important. Let’s first examine how you might have gotten here. Reflecting on a recent conflict, consider whether these factors could have been at play for you:
You Need to Be Right
Are you competing for the power position? If this is your motivation, likely anything someone says that challenges your sense of safety will be met with defensiveness and resistance, sometimes to the extreme.
Poor Listening
Have you misheard or misunderstood what you heard; or assumed you knew what the other person intended to elicit or meant to say? Are you interpreting what they’re saying or hearing the actual words? If you tell yourself someone is trying to upset you, it can lead to you getting upset. When we color someone’s narrative with our own beliefs, opinions and perceptions, we can skew the intent dramatically.
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Feeling Invalidated
As you share your opinions, are you met with open-mindedness? Are your experiences and beliefs validated or dismissed? When you’re not feeling respected or heard, it’s easy to get angry, especially when you’re also factoring in other key reasons mentioned here.
Ignoring the Other Person’s Need to Feel Validated
Did you talk over the other person or interrupt; or vehemently deny their viewpoint? This dismissive behavior can leave the other feeling unseen and disrespected, leading to a more aggressive reaction.
Disagreement on Values, Goals or Views
If you see the world differently from the other person, this can lead to conflict over which view is right, which has more merit and which should be vocalized. Often, we view our perspective as correct and won’t listen for another viewpoint to see we may have missed something.
Understanding how you got into the conflict is helpful, as you’ll be able to identify early warning signs and deflect or resolve the disagreement earlier next time.
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How to Back Out (and Retain Your Dignity)
Awareness (recognizing you’re in an argument and wanting to extract yourself) is a powerful first step. From here, don’t just walk out, slam the door and believe it’s all behind you. The argument can continue much longer if it’s not resolved.
Here are some tips from attorney, author and communications expert Jefferson Fisher to calm down the disagreement:
Tell Them What You Agree With
Fisher points out that you don’t have to agree with their viewpoint or position, but you can agree that the discussion is valid, that the timing is wrong, or on some aspect of what was discussed.
Start a Sentence With, ‘I’ve Learned’
Did you learn more about them; did you learn that the topic being discussed matters to them; have you gained understanding about their position (again, you don’t have to agree with them)?
Use Words Like ‘Help’ or ‘Helpful’
Describe how you’re feeling with a phrase such as, “That’s helpful to hear,” to assist someone who may be feeling defensive to see that you’re open to learning but may not share the same view.
When the other person has calmed, hopefully you have as well. Then, you can decide if you still want to be in the discussion or want to leave. If you choose to stay, modulate your own voice and energy, validate their feelings and emotions, and remain professional and respectful.
If you choose to leave the conversation, excuse yourself by:
- Explaining that you’re feeling yourself getting defensive and that’s not productive. Suggest a later date/time when you can both revisit the discussion.
- Acknowledging the impasse. Agreeing to disagree doesn’t make one side feel they won or loss and can help the other person consider your views, even later.
- Using “I” statements to say what you need. “I need to refocus before the meeting today and am feeling stressed.” Resist the urge to point fingers or assign blame for how you’re feeling.
- Letting them have the last word, if they fight for it. In the larger scheme of life, who said the last thing is a pretty small thing.
Arguments are never pleasant. Feelings, reputations, and relationships can be hurt or damaged because of the emotions, timing and the twisting of words. Self-control, self-awareness and empathy are proven ways to get yourself out of an argument, especially at work.
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