When my husband decided it was time to retire, I thought I was ready. We’d settled into the community, made friends, bought a house, and our kids loved their schools. But the future still felt uncertain. Since moving off the installation, I’d felt myself drifting from the military community, and now I knew I had a decision to make.
Each time we’d moved before, I jumped in with both feet. I learned what I could about the installation, volunteered with the spouses club and family readiness groups, and became part of the community. This time felt different. I did join the spouses club and made new friends, but living 20 minutes away limited how often I went on base and how involved I stayed.
One by one, my friends retired, and it became clear I would soon join them. And then one day, my husband retired, and suddenly I wasn’t sure where I fit. The spouse community never made me feel unwelcome. In fact, many of my friends were also facing retirement. But after years of identifying as a military spouse, I found myself wondering: Who did I want to be next? What would we do now?
I decided it was time to pass the baton to the next generation. I’ll admit I struggled with disconnecting. I wasn’t sure whether I’d be welcome back if I stepped away. But I had felt a gradual disconnect for years, and it was time. When leaving any organization, it’s important to leave well. That became my goal. After nearly 15 years of sharing these experiences, here are a few recommendations.
Recognize that leaving isn’t the right choice for everyone.
Some friends chose to stay deeply connected to the community — something I admire. They continue offering advice, listening to younger spouses and investing time in issues like food insecurity, spouse employment and education options for military kids. Their work matters, and I’m proud to know them.
Decide whether you’ll leave gradually or all at once.
If you’re stepping away, will it be cold turkey, or will you ease out slowly? There’s no wrong answer, but it helps to have a plan. If you’re serving on a board, finish your term. If you’re moving, it may make sense not to re-engage with the military community in your next hometown.
Leave the Facebook groups.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. If you’re still active in those groups, it’s time to go. As much knowledge as you have, the newest generation isn’t necessarily listening — and that’s OK. Things have changed since many of us first used those groups to get information or meet people. Give the next generation room to use them as they need.
Try something new.
This is something I learned from my husband. As he approached retirement, he knew he’d need a new group of friends. He joined a local rugby club, hoping for exercise and camaraderie. It turned out to be the perfect fit. Now is the time to find something that interests you outside the military community. Join a community board, volunteer at a homeless shelter, coach a recreational team — whatever you choose, commit to it for a season and give it a chance.
Leaving the military spouse community doesn’t mean disconnecting forever. The spouses who stood beside you over the years — the ones who celebrated and mourned with you, who stood in delivery rooms, who became emergency contacts 30 seconds after you met — they don’t turn their backs on you. This community helped shape who I am today, and that’s something you never truly leave behind.
