A few years ago, my husband and I found ourselves in a stage of life no one looks forward to. Our oldest was starting high school, my husband was beginning his transition to retirement and one of our parents became seriously ill. We had a lot of decisions to make, and none of them were easy.
Many of us are entering the “sandwich generation” — the time in our lives when we’re still raising children while also beginning to care for elderly parents. For many, it’s a stressful and lonely season. Caring for aging parents is complicated even when you live nearby; when you add several states, time zones or even an ocean between you, the challenge grows. And let’s not forget the inevitable PCS that will happen somewhere in the middle of it all.
But long-distance caregiving is possible with communication, planning and a strong support system. Here are key steps to help you navigate this difficult season.
Figure Out What They Need — and What You Can Do
Start by identifying your parents’ real needs: medical, financial, emotional and day-to-day support. Then take an honest look at what you can reasonably provide from afar.
This is where dividing responsibilities with siblings or other family members helps. Maybe one person handles finances, another manages medical appointments and someone else checks in weekly. Shared responsibility prevents burnout and ensures your parents get consistent support.
Have Hard Conversations Early
It’s never too early to talk openly about what your parents want as they age. Do they plan to stay in their home? Would they consider downsizing or moving closer to family? What kind of care are they comfortable with, and what can they afford?
These conversations may feel awkward, but addressing them before a crisis protects everyone from confusion and conflict later. Before it’s ever necessary, discuss bank access, whether a trust makes sense and any burial or end-of-life plans. These talks can be difficult, but they’re invaluable in the long run.
Discuss With Your Spouse How Much You Can Do
Long-distance caregiving can take a heavy emotional and practical toll on your household. Before stepping fully into a caregiving role, sit down with your spouse to talk through boundaries, expectations, time commitments and financial impact.
You may also want to discuss how you’ll handle care for your spouse’s parents when that time comes. The two of you should agree on what level of involvement is realistic and healthy so resentment doesn’t build.
If you have children, consider how you’ll talk to them about what’s happening and how they might help. Older kids can assist with meals, laundry or transportation if you or your spouse need to travel.
Find a Local Advocate You Trust
Since you can’t always be there in person, you’ll need someone who can. This might be a family friend, neighbor, church member or hired care manager. Their role isn’t to take over your responsibilities, but to be your eyes and ears on the ground — checking in, helping coordinate services or stepping in during emergencies.
A reliable local advocate provides peace of mind for both you and your parents.
Complete the Paperwork Needed to Communicate With Their Doctors
One of the most important tasks is ensuring you have the legal authority to speak with your parents’ medical providers and receive updates, especially in emergencies.
Depending on the state, this may include HIPAA releases, medical power of attorney documents or other legal paperwork. Without them, you could be excluded from critical decisions simply because you’re not local.
This season of life is hard, feels unfair at times and may even make you resent the military for keeping you far from home. Staying connected with your spouse — and united as a team — is the only way to make it manageable. The key is to start early, stay organized and work together, along with trusted local help, to give your parents the care and dignity they deserve.
