Complex societal issues. International policy decisions. Social unrest.
These are challenges we all face, but only a select few are qualified to solve them. When the stakes are this high, we can’t afford to defer to the people we elected to represent us or local leaders in our communities; we need someone with the know-how and the elbow grease to really shake things up. We need someone with a military background and the tools to get the job done -- namely, a cell phone and the front seat of a Ford F-150.
Ever since technology allowed us to merge the power of video with the mighty selfie, people with a bone to pick have been hopping in their cars and venting their frustrations to anyone blessed (or cursed) enough to find the video on their social media feed.
Any topic is fair game: politics, people being weaker or less disciplined than you perceive yourself to be, the unpredictable flavor of your homemade coffee and even kids taking selfies in T.J. Maxx are all fodder for a viral internet rant.
Nothing is stopping you from creating one of these cinematic triumphs yourself, but you owe it to the military community to do it right. Let’s break down the finer details of this art form so you can broadcast your unfiltered opinion to the masses and become a beloved (and definitely not universally mocked) internet sensation overnight.
Only You Can Save Us
If you see people bumbling through life and wonder whether you’re simply smarter than everyone else, don’t overthink it; you probably are. You alone possess the brilliant mind and incredible thoughts the world needs. Go ahead and fire up that Facebook Live stream and unleash your wisdom on the hapless masses.
Remember that while you’re obviously the most qualified person to tackle any given issue, others might not know that. This is, of course, a golden opportunity to establish credibility by flexing your military service, as is your God-given right.
Let people know you are or were in the military, but stay away from specifics that might place you anywhere but at the top of the military hierarchy. Use terms such as “downrange” to help viewers imagine you leading a team of Navy SEALs through a firefight instead of whining about the rain during a stateside field exercise.
Vague military phrases, such as, “Back when I was hooking and jabbing,” will evoke the idea of you manning a red-hot M240 rather than applying for an exemption to the annual physical fitness test, or PFT, because Microsoft Excel gave you carpal tunnel. And subtle, tasteful cues such as a Grunt Style T-shirt or Punisher skull sticker on your back window will remind viewers that you mean business and are indeed a very tough cookie.
Even if you never took an active combat role, deployed or performed simple tasks with any degree of competence, you can still inspire confidence among civilians by letting their imagination run wild with the carefully selected nuggets of information you give them.
Pick Your Topic
Honestly, this section is just here to clarify that it doesn’t really matter what you’re mad about. The suspense of wondering what set you off is half the reason people watch these rants. Just choose a thumbnail where you look as agitated as possible, and remember that you are never part of the problem.
Timing Is Everything
Here’s where a lot of people go wrong. Timing has nothing to do with waiting until you have enough information to form a cogent position on a current event. It’s not about hitting the news cycle while a topic is still timely. Proper timing has everything to do with when you work out.
Once you step out of the gym -- sorry, CrossFit box -- you have a precious window to film your rant before transient hypertrophy wears off and you lose your post-workout energy bump. According to research from the University of New Mexico, the cross-sectional area of your muscles can increase anywhere from 20%-45% after a strength workout (and obviously running is useless, as usual).
In addition to capitalizing on the bump, you should ideally film your video while you’re still sweaty. Being a little bit out of breath is fine, but a shaker cup must be visible to remind everyone of how hard you just worked out. Take sips when you need to gather your thoughts.
Location, Location, Location
When I tell you to know your place, I’m not talking about speaking up only when you have extensive knowledge on a certain subject. That’s irrelevant; what you need to focus on is the physical location where you film your masterpiece.
Park in a quiet area and roll up the windows to avoid distractions. If you have a see-through shade for your sunroof, close it to take advantage of soft natural lighting. If you’re at your favorite fast food restaurant, park in such a way that there’s something more on-brand in the background -- maybe a gym, sporting goods store or motorcycle dealership (no ability to ride required).
Finally, frame yourself in the center of your phone’s screen, but keep some distance between you and the camera. It’s important to give yourself enough room to lunge forward or jab a well-timed knife-hand at your audience for a little extra intensity.
Keep Your Eye on the Prize
What’s the point of all this, you ask? Rest assured that there is a higher purpose than sharing your musings out of pure generosity.
To be a truly exemplary angry service member or veteran, you need to remember why you’re filming your outrage in the first place: to get attention.
If you can solve the problem at hand, that’s nice. Helping others who are struggling would be a bonus, but it’s not required. Focus your undivided attention on getting eyeballs on your face and followers on your account. Only then will people know how cool you are; only then will you parlay your outrage into an advertising sponsorship or a book deal (with a ghostwriter, of course).
Should you manage to monetize your raw emotions, just remember who set you on the path to success. If I do all this work and don't get any kickbacks, well, that will really set me off. In fact, I can feel a rant brewing right now. Where’s my phone?
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