As human beings, one of the most common tendencies we share is the habit of comparing ourselves, our situation, our circumstances and our lives to those around us. We look to see whether we’re doing better or worse than someone else. Are we healthier, faster, more successful or smarter than our peers? Do we love, speak and make decisions better than someone else in our position?
Comparison is normal and can be a good thing when it motivates us to work harder, push through adversity or become inspired by someone else’s story. When it becomes distracting or destructive, it’s no longer healthy.
According to Psychology Today, “In large part, how we react to comparisons depends on who we compare ourselves to: When we just want to feel better about ourselves, we tend to engage in comparisons to people worse off than we are, although this can become an unhealthy habit. When we want to improve, though, we may compare ourselves to people roughly similar to us but higher achieving in one trait or another.” When comparison is used as a motivator, or a form of information from which to grow and better ourselves, it has a valuable purpose.
Social media is blamed for fueling the fire of comparison. Online, it seems everyone has a better car, smoother skin, more rewarding career and happier family than we do. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. The same Psychology Today report highlights how “a fascination with celebrity culture and the prevalence of carefully manicured social-media feeds only exacerbates the effect by exposing people to an endless stream of others’ seemingly perfect images, homes, jobs, skills and families.”
Comparing Your Military Transition
During your Transition Assistance Program (TAP) classes, or as you discussed your exit from the military with those around you, did you mentally note who was set up for success, who might be on a path to struggle and where you ranked? Again, it’s normal to do so, but can also become distracting and detrimental to charting your own path.
Transition from a military to civilian career is a process and can last a short or long time. No two people leaving military duty will have the exact same experience, opportunities or challenges to face. One person’s journey is not the next person's journey. Yet the tendency to compare yourself to how others you served -- for example, are they adapting to life outside the military better than you? Do they seem more settled and confident? Are you missing something? -- can make the transition process overwhelming.
Resist the urge to gauge your own progress by how well (or not well) those alongside you are doing. Just because you have a job lined up before you separate does not mean you are “set” and someone without a job is at risk -- and vice versa.
Remind Yourself
- Your path and purpose are yours alone. No one has the same backstory, experiences, passion, courage and future as you do. Let them do their thing; you do yours. Of course, you can help them, but resist the urge to compare.
- Watch others to see what you can learn from them. Instead of evaluating and ranking yourself against your peers, take cues on what you could improve on, develop and upskill to make your transition successful. Where you see someone else struggle, ask yourself whether you might be heading down that same path and what you might do to remedy the situation. Learning is growth.
- Share your experiences and learning with others. Comparing yourself against others can be a hard habit to break. As you learn to do this, mentor or assist those around you to learn to do the same. This will also serve to reinforce your commitment to focus on your own transition path.
Comparing ourselves to others is not, by nature, unhealthy or unpleasant. When it distracts you from confidently pursuing your dreams and goals, it’s time to look more in the mirror than at everyone around you.
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