A therapist with deep ties to the military community, Dr. Emma Smith writes a monthly advice column about relationships for Military.com to address questions from our readers. This month, she answers a message from a military spouse who is worried about the holidays. Want Dr. Emma to answer your question next month? Submit it using the form at the end of the article.
Dear Dr. Emma,
This will be our fourth year going back home for the holidays since my husband joined the Navy, and honestly, I’m already stressed about it.
Every year, we make this long, 10-plus-hour drive back to our hometown. And every year it feels like the same thing happens: We spend half the trip running around trying to see everybody, making plans that people either cancel or change at the last minute. We end up driving all over the place for people who say they want to see us but who don’t actually follow through.
I don’t think people back home really get what our life is like now. They still act like we live right down the road and can just pop over anytime. They don’t understand how much work it takes just to make this trip happen. It’s like we’re the only ones trying.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m already thinking, “Why do we bother?” I love our families and friends, but it feels like we spend most of our time chasing people down. And honestly, it’s making me not even want to go home anymore.
I guess my question is, is there another way to do this? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’m tired of feeling like we’re running around. What’s the right way to handle this without starting problems with our families?
Thank you,
A Tired Navy Wife
Dear Tired,
First, I want to acknowledge the effort that accompanies going home for the holidays. Returning to your hometown after living a military life can stir up so many feelings: longing for what used to be, pressure to fit everyone in, and the dread of knowing that if a visit doesn’t happen now, it may be another year before you get the chance.
And layered on top of that is the expectation from others, especially those who don’t understand what your schedule, bandwidth or life look like anymore. I want you to hear me clearly: What you’re experiencing is real, common and not a reflection of your effort or your love. It makes sense that you’re tired. It makes sense that part of you doesn’t even want to make the trip anymore.
There’s also a disorientation that happens for families when someone joins the military. The people back home often expect the old rhythms because those are the ones they still exist in. Meanwhile, you and your spouse are living inside a completely different system of time, responsibility, emotional load and culture. In many ways, it’s like living in another country. Even family members with past military experience may not fully understand, because each generation faces its own stressors and demands.
Let me see if I have a grasp on the pattern here:
- A 10-hour drive.
- The rapid-fire scheduling
- Plans changing
- Running around from house to house, trying to prove your presence, your love, your loyalty
Did I get that right? If so, of course you feel unseen or unconsidered at times.
Let me ask you a question. Why are you going home? The answer is critical to choosing what comes next. Because when scheduling becomes an attempt to meet everyone else’s expectations, you end up abandoning your own needs, such as rest, genuine connection or something else. And when those pieces get lost in the holiday shuffle, it's easy to feel overextended with very little to show for your effort when it's time to head home.
A seasoned spouse once told me, “If you’re driving 10 or 12 hours to get home, other people can drive 15 minutes to see you.” That stuck with me. Because she was right. There’s a shift that happens in adulthood, where you’re no longer required to sprint through the holidays. You’re allowed to be the one who sets the rhythm.
You’re not being demanding by setting boundaries. You’re simply moving from being held hostage by holiday expectations to holding them with intention and care. And you’re absolutely allowed to prioritize your needs, even if it looks different from what your family or friends are used to. Sometimes you model for others new ways of being simply by choosing what’s sustainable.
And here’s the truth:
You can’t control other people’s flakiness.
But you can control the structure you create around it.
So let me offer you a gentler, calmer alternative:
1. Pick the dates that actually feel doable for you.
2. Announce them ahead of time.
“We’ll be home on these days. Would love to see you if you can make it.”
Text, call, group chat, social media: whatever feels easiest.
3. Create one anchor event.
A low-pressure, open invitation, something like:
- A drop-in evening at someone’s home
- A couple of hours at a local restaurant or bar
- A casual get-together at a friend’s house
If people can come, wonderful. If they can’t, that’s okay, too. You’ve made the space. You’ve done your part.
This approach reduces cancellations because the responsibility shifts off of you. No more chasing people down. It also lets you and your spouse rest, breathe and truly enjoy the people who do show up! And without the emotional whiplash of constant plan changes.
Will everyone come? No. And that may sting.
But holidays are busy for everybody, and they often reveal who can meet you where you are right now and who can’t. It’s not a failure; it’s simply clarity.
So as you plan this trip, ask yourself:
- What actually feels possible?
- What supports meaningful connection instead of draining you?
- What honors the reality of your military life, instead of pretending you can do everything?
You’re not required to sacrifice your sanity to prove your love.
I want to leave you with this:
The holidays should leave room for a breath of fresh air.
Pick the version of homecoming that offers even one moment of peace. That’s where you belong.
Off the clock, but always in your corner,
Dr. Emma
A Little Extra Holiday Tip for My Readers
If you have loved ones stationed overseas and you’re hoping to get a box of treats or gifts into their hands before the holidays, don’t forget about the shipping deadlines. These dates come up fast, and nobody wants their Christmas cookies arriving in January. Military.com maintains a simple list of all cutoff dates based on the service member's station location.
Ask Dr. Emma Your Question
Every month, Dr. Emma will answer questions from the Military.com community. And she wants to answer yours! From romantic frustrations to family bonding, anxieties over current events to homecoming excitement, she wants to hear from you. Submit your question, and we may choose it for anonymous publication along with Dr. Emma's response. Your personal information will not be shared, and your responses will be used only for editorial purposes.
Keep Up with the Ins and Outs of Military Life
For the latest military news and tips on military family benefits and more, subscribe to Military.com and have the information you need delivered directly to your inbox.
